What a year it has been.

I came home from work one day in November 2009 to find a fleece baby blanket waiting for me. It was my wife’s way of telling me that our lives had changed forever. Neither one of us had a clue just how much our lives were going to change nor what was in store for us in the coming year. Let’s see, it went something like this: Mari gets pregnant, I quit my job and go back to school, my parents separate, an ultrasound reveals a spot on our unborn child’s heart which we’re later told is nothing to be concerned about, our daughter is born, we find out the spot is something to be concerned about, we find out she has Down syndrome, my dad is diagnosed with cancer, the cancer is removed with surgery, Lilly gets a urinary tract infection, we lose one of our dogs, and soon Lilly will be having open heart surgery. I’m sure I’ve left out a few things but that’s what comes to mind.

I have never had a more emotional year in all my life, none even come close. Tears of joy have flowed the same day as tears of hurt and fear of the unknown. I was so scared and worried when Lilly was born I feel like I never got to enjoy being a new Dad. I watch Lilly get out of breath when she drinks out of her bottle and it kills me knowing I can’t make her better. I imagine seeing her just after surgery with tubes and wires attached to her. I imagine watching over her as the anesthesia wears off and she is able to feel the pain of her fresh incision. I can feel her pain as she begins to cry but I can’t hold her because that might cause her more pain. As I imagine that moment, when she needs me more than ever but I can’t help her, I begin to lose it. I am not looking forward to that moment at all.

I just finished watching an episode of MacGyver. It was the final episode. In it, MacGyver finds out he has a son. He told his best friend Pete that he didn’t think he was ready to be a father. Pete let him in on the fact that no one is ever fully prepared. Those words have proven to be so true. I’ve been looking forward to having kids for a very long time. In fact I always thought I’d have several by now. But, I’ve learned that I wasn’t quite as ready as I thought I was. It’s much harder than I anticipated. I love playing with my nieces and nephews but playing with toddlers for an hour or two can be misleading. It’s very taxing when you’re home alone and your own child is screaming until her face turns purple and there’s nothing you can figure out to do other than cry yourself. And what’s worse is Mari says I have to be very gentle with Lilly because she’s more fragile than the other kids so no throwing her around or swinging her around in circles by her ankles. What else is there to do?

With all the ups and downs over the past year Lilly has reassured me that it will all be worth it. A few days ago, Lilly gave out a big chuckle as I was tickling her. I was so caught off guard I wasn’t sure if I’d actually heard right so I tickled her some more and got rewarded with an even bigger laugh. Mari heard it so I know I wasn’t imagining things. Thanks Lilly for making it all worth while and letting me know that as soon as your surgery is over it will be all uphill.